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Toddlers are Just like Your Drunk Friend!

Toddlers can be quick-tempered, emotional, and very opinionated, creatures.  Whether you agree with me or not, toddlers are just like your drunk friend.  Well, a drunk friend that lives with you and never leaves.  YES, THAT’S IT!  Regardless, toddlers and irresponsible friends happen and there is nothing you can do about it.

Needless to say, we must make sure that they get everything they need, whether it be a drunken midnight food run, or the 10th cup of water because they’re not ready to go to sleep. We have a responsibility to our children, and sometimes our drunk friends.

To emphasize, I have come up with a list of things that you can say to both your toddler and your drunk friend, as well as a list of ways a toddler can be just like your drunk friend.

If you have never thought about it before, I bet you will now!


Have You Ever Noticed Talking to a Drunk Friend is Like Talking to Your Toddler?


  • You can’t sleep there, you need to go to your bed.

  • Chew with your mouth closed.

  • Yes, those are boobies, but we don’t touch those.

  • It’s not nice to stare.

  • We do not put that in our mouths.

  • We never touch our private parts in public.

  • We pee in toilets, not in the street.

  • Keep your fingers out of your nose.

  • I am not playing that song again. We have heard it 100 times. 

  • Please keep your hands to yourself.

  • Don’t point, it’s rude.

  • You have to eat all your food.

  • I know, Tinkle is a funny word.

  • Use your nice words, please.

  • Stop looking at me like that.

  • I’m going to tell your father.

  • Please go back and wash your hands.

  • We don’t hit. Hitting is bad.

  • Do not embarrass me or we will leave!

  • Stop asking me if we are almost there. I will tell you when we get there.

  • I told you to sit here.  Someone could kidnap you.

  • We need to use our “inside” voice.

  • Why are you holding yourself, do you need to pee?

  • Hold my hand in the parking lot. I don’t want you getting hit by a car.

  • I am not going to ask you to sit down again. SIT DOWN.

  • Please do not pull your dress up again in public, ladies do not do that!

  • How many times do I have to tell you, we do not talk to strangers!

  • Let’s play the silent game.

  • PUT YOUR SHIRT DOWN, girls do NOT show their boobies!


Their Like Twins but from Two Different Generations!


  • They have zero shame.  Neither seems to be inclined to wear pants.

  • They are SOOOO LOUD!

  • Don’t expect them to look where they’re going. They do stumble a lot.

  • Self-restraint is not really their thing. “I’m going to eat all of this food, or

    until I pass out, whichever comes first.”

  • You probably won’t understand a damn thing they’re saying.

  • They NEVER stop talking.

  • They cry for no reason. “WHY DID YOU BRING ME THIS PLATE?


  • They will constantly spill and knock over things.

  • If left unattended your entire house may become a war disaster zone.

  • They’ll pee anywhere. “Who needs a toilet when there’s a closet, hamper

    or a plant nearby?”

  • Ohhh, and soil themselves. “Whoops, couldn’t quite make it to the


  • They will deplete every last carbohydrate in your home.  No chips, pizza

    or bread left behind.

  • It’s very likely some of that will come back up later so be ready and Keep a trashcan nearby.

  • They think they’re great dancers.  Mmmmm… YEEEEEA.. Lets just say 

    they will never be competing in the World of Dance Stage.

  • You may find yourself wanting wine just so you can tolerate them.

  • They are NEVEEEER tired.

  • But they’ll pass out anywhere. Hallways, bathroom and Kitchen floors, you name it, it’s a bed! 

That Being Said…

Both toddlers and drunk people know how to have fun, although neither know how to set boundaries. We look out for them constantly to make sure they don’t do anything dangerous. 

In other words, sticking their finger in a light socket, let’s be honest, it’s a hole, and holes are interesting.  They’re constantly needing attention, having emotional breakdowns, wanting to be fed, and have to be reminded where to use the bathroom.

Furthermore, anyone who has cared for their loud, obsene, and very special wasted friend can understand how exhausting that can be.  Don’t have kids yet?This might be a birth control for you.  Imagine having to do that for a few years. Exactly. Now you know why moms like coffee (and wine) so much.

So, save the judgment the next time you see a picture of a toddler passed-out sitting up, but has fallen over with his face in a bowl of popcorn. I promise you mom or dad is even more exhausted than that kid.

Ultimately, the next time you think toddlers are just like your drunk friend.  Just appreciate the fact that toddlers are still small enough to carry to bed when you find them passed out in the hall. 🙂 You can thank me later!

Till Next time my Friends!


Yours Truly, 

The 411 Addict